Everyone experiences pain in life.
Reflect, so that we won't have regrets or question our fate.
Reflection of pain, teaches us to accept.
This, will be the most personal writing I'd ever shared in here.
A kind of a closure.
Have you ever experienced on how difficult it is to start your day being alright when you always had the same series of nightmares? Or the dreams that recalling your unfavourable past, or your trauma? For me, it’s a painful thing.
For quite a long time, I struggled myself everyday to focus at the brighter side of life, but those dreams seemed silently planning to drag me down. Naudzubillah, may Allah protect us always.
I had dreams that I was still an unhappy houseman officer, working even in the same previous hospital, that I was still married to that person, or that I was still the first wife, stuck in the same unhappy marriage. Tho they were just dreams, it’s hard, honestly. Because I took a great time to recover, to accept everything, and even to understand the subsequent events that really consume abundance of patience and courage.
Last time when I decided to open up on certain things in life, or when I wanted to be more honest and detailed on my past, I did it for my inner peace. I remember a book that surprised me because its first chapter touches on ‘Attachment’. True, I’d attached so much. I attached to moments, to people, to gratitude, to happiness, to memories, to certain trauma, to the past, to pain. I was so deeply attached that I felt that letting go is almost impossible.
How do I break these attachments? Perhaps the answer is I need to let go.
And here’s the thing. Letting go is one of my major issues, my concerns, my struggles.
I was always a keeper. I loved keeping memories, people, emotions, items, and almost everything. I always wished things could stay the same as how they were used to be so whenever there’s a need for me to let go, it’s so difficult for me to do so. Only recently when I read that book, I realised on how much (badly) I was attached to memories. Be them good or bad ones, I could remember them vividly. They say trauma stays longer in our hearts, which means we don’t just remember, but we could FEEL it for a longer time. And that hurts even more. At times, those memories suffocated me.
Honestly, no one would ever imagined to be having such turbulences (at one time). I’d lost myself again, I fought for a difficult divorcement, I resigned from my housemanship. Handling (battling) with those three major events were very difficult for me. Those are my painful memories, and I knew that I need to let all of them go, to heal properly.
I’d lost myself again.
I’d lost myself once last time, for a year. And the recent one caused me a year too. It remained mysterious on how I fall this time, it was so different from the first one. But those who didn’t experience these by themselves would never understand. No one can ever understand on how much we resented ourselves for being existing, then how much vibrant and outstanding we could be as the defence mechanism for the former phase. And the regrets that came later on. And the internal conflicts on finding own identity again, on continuing or halting medications, on tolerating the side effects of medications, on the stigma, on accepting having this condition and to live with it forever, on the fear of falling into another episode again, on making really cautious decisions, on how to go on living.
I fought 10 months for the divorce, and I was hurt again.
Some people knew how hard the journey that I’d to go through to get my divorce. Initially, I wanted a divorce because I couldn’t stand his temper anymore. For months, I was scolded and mocked almost everyday and everywhere. It had started since I started working, but became more intense during my break. He completely ignored my deteriorating condition, and even forced me to do many irrelevant stuffs to feed his selfishness and greed. Throughout those 5 years of our marriage, he had been neglecting his responsibilities which I always turned a blind eye (and that I was a fool, being a very nice wife). Then 5 days after my divorce application, I was informed by a shocking revelation from a close friend and many others that he was being unfaithful since I was 5 months pregnant. I think nobody can describe accurately on the intense pain I had to endure for his betrayal, because I’d always (foolishly) trusted him, never once doubted him on such thing. But that made me realised the decision to divorce is the most right thing to do. But he made the process even harder. From the multiple weird incidents and rude attacks, the Protection Order granted on me, then asking for talak khuluk of RM200,000, then to the Fasakh trials. It was such a long, difficult time. My divorce which was applied in August 2019 was finalised in end of June 2020.
So when it had reached almost a year after my divorce application, I was ‘surprised’ again by the polygamy request by the other party. It became polygamy because I was still in my iddah. It’s like when you thought you’re slowly healing, and FINALLY got that divorce, you are being mistreated again by some disrespect and selfish act. I remember that was the moment I decided to reveal everything again in my story (in a way calmer tone) because the thoughts of it were so heartbreaking. I need to let go. On this matter, I refused to suppress anymore.
I resigned my housemanship.
For 8 consecutive months, I struggled badly to go to work, to function at work, to look okay. My marriage was already on the rocks ever since I started working. That person became cold, uncaring, weird and inattentive ever since I was pregnant. I had no idea at all that he’s having ‘the other issues’, which totally completed the puzzle. I went to work worrying so much about my child, because during that time, there were so many issues regarding childcare nationwide, and that person was always careless too. Almost everyday at work, I would figure out in my mind on how to quit. I slowly despised this job, because I felt like I was losing myself day by day. But I still forced myself to go to work, because I didn’t want to trouble others (that much) by being absent. I passed my first posting after 2 weeks of extension, then passed my second posting smoothly, then finally I decided to take a break for a few months. When I was prepared to come back for work after that break, I was advised to resign, since I was struggling with my marriage, that could really affect my performance at work. I was advised to focus on self-love and self-healing. Previously during my break, that person encouraged me to resign too, it’s really strange because last time he always criticised me whenever I brought up the quitting issue. During that break, my marriage was on the edge, I’d tried my best but drastically it hit rock bottom. Honestly, it’s a very painful decision, because I’d passed 2 postings (even with difficulties of struggling daily), but I knew the moment I quit on this, I would never return. I don’t usually give second chance to the ending that I made. Almost 10 years of ‘devotion’ to Medicine could have gone to waste. But I have to save myself, I know I could survive longer, being dull and numb at work, but I just couldn’t stay being unhappy.
If you had asked me in early 2020, I wouldn’t want to remember any of those.
But Alhamdulillah as time passes by, I keep on learning and growing.
What had happened are meant to be happened, and there are just so many lessons that I’d learned.
I reflected myself again, and again, and to accept that those were the best that happened at that time.
*
Time heals, they say. I processed a lot of things. And Masya-Allah I found the other side of pain, the reflection of my pain.
I’d lost myself again but still I found myself again and again.
This, is a fate that I really had to accept. I never thought that I would be having that, not once but twice. All this while, I thought I was a happy person, I was happy with my life, and I always made myself happy. When I was younger, I was so motivated (and ignorant too) that I even didn’t know of its existence. Until that moment when I had this condition, I learned that it could happen to simply just anyone. And the bitter truth is that mostly affectionate people are the ones who are the most susceptible. I thought I’d loved myself enough, but it turned out that I was being selfless, and careless too, in certain aspects of life, that led to me falling into despair and later came back being so extra bright. This condition of losing and coming back is not an easy journey at all. It’s so hard, and it’s very painful. It comes with a lot of heavy thoughts and perhaps later on, all sort of regrets. Gradually I learned that whatever happened was meant to be happened, and that I’m among the chosen ones. Not everyone is tested the same way, and to think that perhaps I’m strong enough to face this, that God put me through this. It’s not easy at all, to accept this. But the moment we could accept everything, things loosen up so much, and we can finally breathe. And no matter how many times I’d lost myself, I shall be grateful that God made me found myself again and again. I should keep on believing in that. I keep on growing, become tougher and more cautious in life. I need to believe God gave me this so that I become a new better me.
I was a divorcee, a single mom.
To be able to escape or save ourself from a troubled marriage is a great blessing. I’d done my very best in my previous marriage, that I had no regrets. Yes, I was dumbfounded, hurt, deeply hurt. But things happen, people change. It’s a new feeling, a new environment for me. I'm imperfect but I knew that I was used to be a devoted wife, attached, patient, caring and always looked at the good side of that person. I was always a giver. I'd committed MY ALL, so much that even it went way beyond my responsibilities. Now, I am free, I am totally free. I want to embrace this freedom, to focus on my daughter, on my life. It’s a peculiar feeling at first, I felt like I’m back to 22 years old me, but now I slowly got used to it. I’m taking a break, a very good one, from loving, from giving, from being patient and understanding. This is a crucial moment for me to be myself again, to keep learning on being a good mother, to find God, to be happy again. There’s nothing wrong of being a divorcee, or a single mom. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You are still you as a whole. Above all, what and how God look on us that matters. Think of this as a resting phase, a very precious resting phase.
I ended the long attachment to medicine.
I was introduced to Medicine back then when I was in Standard 6 in 2004, and since then it seemed like I knew Medicine ONLY. It’s so heartbreaking that I had to struggle (too) while working that I ended up resigning because my journey to and in medical school was not that easy and smooth. I struggled during foundation years taking International Baccalaureate, then initially I was bounded to United Kingdom, when I thought I didn’t have a placement, it happened to be that my offer letter from Cardiff University was posted to a wrong address, with the stamp of ‘MISPLACED TO INDIA’ on it, received home just a week before I flew to India. I lost myself during the first year, sat for the final exam without studying, total of a year of not being myself, got married, long distance relationship, faced hardships in marriage, was so demotivated for the exit exam in the fifth year. But, Alhamdulillah I managed to do well in both clinical and written exams. After studying we had to wait for almost a year for placement. I postponed my housemanship for 4 months because I just gave birth. It was a long journey to finally be at work. But working felt so different from studying. There were many things that I found so uncomfortable, that I disagreed upon, that I wished to change, that I was ’surprised’ with.
I was attached (and somehow stuck) in this system for such a long time, that I felt the fear of going out of my convenient space. Since childhood, I was an excellent student, I wanted to be a good and warm doctor, I’d wished to deliver insightful teaching in medical school. But my brief experience working in the system gave me a lot of thoughts. “Am I going to stay living like this forever?” I felt like (given my situations), this job is too demanding. Perhaps it's selfishness, but I do care deeply about my relationship with God, my responsibilities as a single mom, my lifestyle, my working environment, my family, my other interests, my conditions, my happiness. I believe everyone struggles differently in this system. Even perhaps not everyone is meant to be in this system, and perhaps I’m one of those. But I’d attached so much, so much that I feared the ‘outside world’. It’s such a heavy decision but I need to save myself. I do have the chances to come back, to start again, to stay in this line. But perhaps for me, staying could lead to chronic unhappiness, which is totally a deep concern. I’d accepted that I’d resigned. And that I left, as I’d wished for so long. It seemed like I finally cut off the leash. I'm grateful that Allah gave me the chances to become a doctor and I believe He wants to show me a better direction.
*
It’s not easy for me to finally accept, and understand the other side of my pain. Since all three were major events in my life, happened almost at the same time, I struggled a lot, a lot than I could ever imagined. But Alhamdulillah Allah saved me again and again, I pray that I will always stay in His Lights.
At those nights of me having the same dreams again, I hope that I won’t feel bitter or even anything anymore. I hope that I could take those just as a glimpse of my past, that I’m in peace with.
It took me a long time to finally appreciate my pain.
On those days when I had a tough time, I shall remind myself, that I’d already processed everything. And that I had let go all of them too.
Take our own time, pace and way to process the other side of our pain.
It's crucial for healing.
It’s not easy, but it’s bearable.
Keep praying, and to believe that Allah knows BEST because He knows WHY.
And perhaps the reflection of pain is the most beautiful.
Fly, away from the pain. Let go. Break free.
Taking a leap of faith. Bismillah.
Love, Ayush.
